


Lost and Found

by MilesAboveFantasy



Category: Degrassi
Genre: F/M, gay male author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-30 10:36:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6420313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilesAboveFantasy/pseuds/MilesAboveFantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Becky Baker struggles to find her faith, and one small thing can change her forever. | Canon up through the start of 14B. Rated M for drug use and light-sex. </p><p>Complete. Updated with cover art <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Contains drug use and an instance of questionable sex related to that drug use.
> 
> Also, I have had no experience with this particular drug (or any beyond alcohol). I have done my best to write what I have researched.
> 
> Also 2.0, I have not touched a bible in ten years, so I am unable to insert biblical text into Jonah/Becky's conversations; a shame, but it doesn't hurt the essence of the story. Stories are tales of emotions, not quotes from another source. Though having Jonah yelling Bible lines at Becky would have been amazing. I was able to use some in the last part of the story, so let's hope I used them correctly.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

** **

* * *

 

**Lost and Found**

_I._

The tears sprang from her eyes and continued to roll down her face in a waterfall as the floodgates opened. It was a normal reaction; well, as normal as a reaction could be to your whole body jerking at the ear shattering crack of the door slamming.

The logical part of her said that her father slamming her door with such fury was normal. What little TV she had seen in her life showed her that sometimes people lost their temper and slammed doors. But not her family!

Becky Baker was from a good Christian family. They didn't lose their temper. They didn't yell. They didn't slam doors. They didn't fight. They didn't lie. They didn't rape people. They didn't hate their daughter.

Lies. All lies.

Last year she was on top of the world with never a doubt in her mind. She was going to go to a good Christian college back in the States, get married and lose her virginity to a good Christian man before moving back near her family to raise their children near their grandparents, Uncle Luke and their cousins.

The first wrench in those plans had been Adam; a fresh sob tore through her at memories of her late first-love. She loved Adam, really, but he was an obstacle to her dreams – an obstacle she would gladly overcome to be with him. Her parents would never view him as the "good Christian man," but to Becky, Adam was all of that and more!

Not for the first time she felt sick to her stomach that God was punishing her for her love – she felt even more ill when she knew she didn't care. Adam was pure. Adam was one of the best things she had had in her life.

But he's gone.

Wrench number two was her brother. This one wasn't her fault – was anyone but the rapist ever really to blame? If wrench number one was an obstacle, wrench number two was her dream evaporating. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine that doing what was right, the only right choice there was, would make her family hate her. Oh, they never said it, but she knew. The ringing in her ear was proof enough; the only attention you give someone you love isn't an angry slam of a door.

Her family had chosen her rapist brother over her; chosen rape over justice and wrong over right. All her dreams of raising her own family in her family's love were shattered.

She didn't even have that love herself.

She sat up in bed and wiped tears and strands of blond hair from her eyes. It was too early to be crying. She did have school to go to after all. She never would have expected to be the girl sent to school crying by her parents.

She climbed out of bed and fixed her pink duvet to make her bed appear made before walking to her closet and opening it. She could not see anything that she wanted to wear through blurry vision. There was just yellow. So much yellow. So much cheer she no longer felt. She grabbed a yellow sundress and held it up against her body and looked into the mirror on the closet door. She promptly tossed the dress to the ground and fell to her knees as tears began to fall again. It just wasn't her anymore. Yellow. It was so simple but she had changed. Yellow wasn't meant for her anymore. She didn't deserves to be happy. She didn't deserve her family's love.

And a small, frightened part of her – the part of her that kept her on the floor crying instead of running to school as the sanctuary it had been since the trial – feared that she wasn't worthy of God's love either.

_II._

She eventually found the strength to get up and drag herself to school. School may lack the hope it used to carry before Drew had betrayed her, but it was still better than home. She frowned at the thought of Drew. She had really liked him, but she couldn't be put second like the way he treated her. A part of her knew that Drew was doing the right thing and she admired him for that. She knew firsthand how hard it was to do the right thing in spite of those around you saying otherwise. It was admirable in a way how he was putting so much effort into taking care of his child with a girl he wasn't even dating; truly, it was, after she shrugged off her initial Christian distaste at the thought of a child out of wedlock.

That didn't make being put second to another girl any better. So she had to dump him.

It was lonely without Drew and every part of her wanted to go back to him every time she saw him staring longingly at her down the halls. Sometimes it felt like she was only friends with Jonah to make Drew jealous, but she knew that wasn't true. Doing music together with him was fun and a good distraction from all the troubles in her life. They had a lot in common with their faith. She admired him in a way. She didn't know quite what his path to faith was like, but she knew that he had struggled. Or, rather, that his faith had rescued him from the lifestyle that had ailed him. She hoped that she could follow in his footsteps.

She told him as much at lunch that day. Jonah had been her exclusive lunch buddy ever since she broke things off with Drew. Imogen and Jack were always off doing their own things, and she couldn't recall the last time she had spoken to Jenna. Perhaps God took her away for betraying her family.

"Were you always a Christian, Jonah?" Becky asked as her eyes looked to the table. A part of her was ashamed that so much of her conversations with Jonah involved their faith. In the past that would have been glorious for her, but now it felt wrong. She knew from her friendship with Imogen that it was possible to have a friendship without conversations of one's faith nor even the sharing of faith. That's why it felt so off with Jonah. She knew she was just using him to find her faith. To hope that God still loved some part of her.

"Yes and no," Jonah answered as he hungrily forked whatever mess the cafeteria served into his mouth. "I was raised as one. Who isn't really? But I was never really involved with God until this one acid trip."

Becky's eyes shot up. Acid trip? She may be sheltered but she knew that meant drugs on the more extreme end. She knew that Jonah had had a drug addled past, but actually hearing him talk about an experience - a trip? - changed things. Made it real. And just like with Drew, his problems didn't scare her away. It almost enticed her. The chaos, the unpredictability. Something new to get her out of her rut. No, she wouldn't be afraid. Good Christians don't judge; Adam taught her exactly what that meant.

"Tell me about it," she said. "I want to know. How did... acid, was it... help you find God?"

"Yeah, acid. You've probably also heard of it as LSD," Jonah explained. Becky nodded in only the vaguest of recognition. "LSD is powerful stuff. It sends you on what they call an acid trip. It's different for everyone. Completely unpredictable they say. Most people see some sort of hallucinations."

He paused for a moment to search Becky's eyes for recognition that she was following. "It's actually pretty common, they say, to see God when you're on a trip. It's like... these blue lights," Jonah paused again as he looked up and closed his eyes. "They spoke to me. Told me to change my life and find the Lord. Who was I to question God?" His eyes lowered back down until they met Becky's. "That was the last time I did drugs - there was plenty of weed and alcohol before that. And sex," he added with a blush.

"And that's how it was. I ended that part of my life, returned to church, started attending school again and even got my little brother on the path of righteousness," Jonah stated with enthusiasm.

Becky smiled. She was happy for him. Proud for him. It took a lot of strength to find God once you felt he abandoned you. She had been raised to believe that God never abandoned his children (and she squashed the memories of her father listing all the exceptions such as homosexuality). But the confidence she had in that as a child - that she had last year - was all gone. Had God abandoned her? Had she abandoned God? Was there a God? She didn't even know anymore. All she knew was the pain that was eating her up inside every waking hour of the day.

She shrugged off those thoughts as she spoke. "That's an amazing story. Finding God again after... well... not having him." She thought for a moment, considering the consequences of telling Jonah her thoughts, and decided to trust him. "I... I... feel like I've lost him."

Jonah smiled at her and reached a hand across the table to place a supportive hold on her shoulder. "You could never lose God. Sometimes you just have to listen in another way."

Becky mulled over that, and then nodded. "I just want to have that relationship with God back. My family doesn't love me anymore. What if God doesn't too?"

Jonah grabbed both of Becky's hand. "That could never happen," he stated as a fact.

Becky nodded. "Thanks, Jonah." She paused as she sized up the risk of what she was about to ask. She leaned close enough to whisper and spoke so low she knew her voice wouldn't carry. "Can you help me get some? That... uhhh... acid?"

Jonah fell back in his seat and removed his hands from hers. "What?" he almost hissed.

Becky pulled back startled and her eyes went down to the table in shame. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd get so mad."

"It's not that," Jonah said as he looked away. "I just can't have any contact with drugs. I can't believe you'd ask me that. You know I'm 'straight-edge.' I have to be completely strict about this kind of stuff. Plus, taking LSD to see God? Are you insane? I never thought I'd call Becky Baker stupid."

Eyes all around the room shot to their table as good-ole, cheerful Becky Baker picked up her tray in a huff and shoved her chair in so hard that you could hear it outside.

She fought back tears as she slammed her tray on the disposal line and stormed out into the hallway. Becky Baker was not insane. It wasn't her fault that her family didn't love her anymore. She thought she did the thing God would want. The right thing.

She was not insane. She was not stupid. The only thing she wasn't sure of is if God loved her.

_III._

She needed drugs. Acid. LSD.

These were thoughts that she would never have considered last year or even yesterday, but now the idea consumed her. Imogen would be no help; lovely girl, but she was entirely too responsible to help Becky get her hands on drugs. Drew was her next best bet. Things had been tense since their break up, but she knew that Drew wanted to get back together. He would be willing to talk to her. A part of her felt guilty for even considering using his feelings for her to score drugs, but it had to be done. She had to see God to prove that he was real. To prove that God still loved her.

She rapped her knuckles on the Student Council room offices. Drew always spent his lunches here now that they had broken up. She found him sitting at his presidential desk and smiled as he looked up to her.

"Be-Becky," he sputtered as he stood up. "How are you?" he asked as he gestured for her to come in.

"I'm okay," she said quietly. "I just need a friend to talk to."

Drew grinned. "I'm glad that you can think of me as such now. Look, I really miss..." he said as he approached.

Becky held her hand up to stop him. "I know. I miss you too," she said as their lips got closer.

Drew pulled away though and then sat down. "Sit. Uh... feel free to sit. We really should not kiss after everything. You said you needed a friend to talk to, not a boyfriend. Otherwise you'd be talking to guy-liner."

Becky frowned at the mention of Jonah. "We aren't dating; anyway, we're fighting right now."

"Ahh," Drew said with a nod. "So, is that what's bothering you? Or something else?"

"Well, that, plus..." she trailed off. "I've just been feeling so alone lately, you know? My family hates me and after our break up, I feel like I have no one."

Drew looked down. "I'm sorry, but we both know I had to do the right thing."

Becky nodded. "I know."

"It wasn't even mine anyway," he said as he placed his head down on the table.

Becky gasped in shock. That was news to her. She knelt down next to him and gave him a hug. "I'm sorry. I know you loved your son." She paused for a moment, before continuing. "I didn't want to tell you at the time, but I was proud of you. It was admirable to do what's right in the face of adversity. Most guys don't stick around with a pregnant ex."

Drew turned his head to face her, eyes now fighting back tears. "Thank you. You inspired me. Turning in your brother was the right thing to do; I could never turn in mine..." they were both silent as they shared a deep breath to calm themselves at the memory of Adam. Not a day went by where they didn't think of him. They shared that knowledge as their eyes studied one another. "If it weren't for you teaching me that you can do the right thing no matter how hard it seemed, I probably would have left Clare all alone throughout all of that. Even if it's not mine, I'm happy that I didn't make her do everything alone."

They remained still for a while, both breathing and relaxing as best they could. Memories of Adam, the trial, the baby and their relationship roared like a storm inside of them.

After a while, Drew sat up and took Becky's face in his hands and spoke. "You know your family doesn't hate you right?"

Becky blinked and shook her head. "I really think they do. I don't remember the last time they talked to me. Being home is like a prison. I'm so alone..."

"If you ever need a place to stay, you know my house is wide open? No, don't say you can't. Adam would have wanted you safe and happy just as much as I do."

Becky's breath hitched at his kindness and she nodded in thanks. But that wasn't quite everything she had to say. "Sometimes, I feel like God doesn't love me anymore."

"I don't think that's true Becky," Drew insisted. "I may not be very religious these days myself, but I don't think God can just stop loving you. You're perfect."

Becky let that compliment soothe her soul as much as it could. She still felt empty inside. "I want to talk to God... I was hoping you could help me with that."

Drew furrowed his brow in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Well, there is one thing you can help me get that will help me see God," she whispered as she stroked his arm seductively.

"Wha-what?" Drew sputtered. "You want an orgasm? I mean, I'm not saying no. It's fun. I'm good at it, I'm told. But you never wanted to do it before and I was okay with that. I ummm..."

Becky pulled away with a wild blush as her whole body felt heated and flustered. "No, noooo," she insisted. "Not that!" She paused for a moment to gather the courage to actually say it and she leaned in closer to him. "LSD," she whispered into his ear.

She was nearly tossed back when he turned on her so quickly with terrified eyes. "LSD? Becky, what the hell? This isn't you! Do you even know what that stuff does?"

"Y-yes," she said hesitantly. "It will let me see God. It will prove to me that he is real and that he loves me."

"No," Drew said harshly. "I won't let you."

"I'm not asking your permission," she retorted back at him. "I'm not some little girl you need to protect, Drew. I'm going to get this with or without your help. And don't act all high and mighty. I know you did drugs at some game a few years back."

"Shrooms," Drew clarified. "And I wish I never had. Those things messed me up. I don't want you to get hurt, Becky."

"That's a no then?" Becky hissed.

"Yes," Drew replied solemnly. "Becky, please. Don't do anything you'll regret. I can't risk losing someone else so soon. After the baby... after Adam. Do you want to die like him!?" he yelled now, voice raising in anger, anguish and old memories.

Becky took a deep breath and exhaled it in a huff. She fought her tears. She wouldn't let Drew make her cry. "I'll find it on my own," she said and left the room. She ignored Drew's calls to return as she ran, and only when she lost him in the privacy of the restroom did she let herself cry.

Yet another person who didn't love her.

IV.

Unbeknownst to Drew, he did in fact help Becky come into contact with LSD. It was through a chain of people really, but luckily for her, Becky knew the source. Drew had once mentioned a case of drama when he worked for Mr. Hollingsworth. The wild child, Miles, had gotten into a bit of relationship trouble with his girlfriend at the time after he had reported the girl's ex for drug dealing. And Becky knew that drug dealer: Zig Novak.

She didn't know Zig well, had only met him a few times really, but he had been a friend of Adam's from their band, Whisper Hug. She was perfectly willing to use that connection to her advantage. By a sheer stroke a luck, she somehow still had Zig's phone number in her phone.

"It's been a while, Baker," Zig said as he met her behind the school as requested. "So, what's this about? We were never really friends, and I wouldn't have remembered who you were if you didn't mention Adam."

Becky shrugged off the rude behavior. She had been doing that a lot today. The only thing that mattered was her trip to see God. Plus, she hadn't expected the most warm of welcomes. The only thing Zig knew her as was the girl that had hurt Adam and drove him to reveal their song to some random girl. Her stomach twisted at the memory of her treatment of Adam which sent him to be taken advantage of by the first girl that would give him the time of day.

"I need LSD," she said without preamble.

Zig's eyes bulged, but he kept his cool by only allowing his head to cock in confusion "And, how exactly do you think I can help you with that?" he inquired.

"I've heard the stories, Zig. I'm not here to judge. I need LSD."

"Becky Baker is not the type of girl to want LSD. Try harder if you want to catch a dealer, you Christian-bitch. I'm not in that game anymore," he stated as he turned to leave.

Becky almost backed away horrified at his words, but yet again she shrugged them off. It didn't matter. She needed God's love. She needed the drug to find it. Instead, she reached out to grab Zig's arm. "Please," she nearly cried. "I need these drugs. It hurts... after Adam died. I've been so alone. And then my family hates me after the Zoe thing. You know about that? You're friends with her, right? My family hates me for what I did. I need this... to make me better."

Zig's eyes softened. "Yes," he muttered. "You were the reason Zoe won her trial." He looked her in the eyes and put his hands on her arms. "Thank you."

Becky nodded and she fought back tears of her own at memories of that awful trial. "Please. I'm so alone. I want to meet God. I heard LSD can do that."

Zig looked around uncomfortably. "Look, I want to help. But I'm out. Plus, Becky, drugs are not the answer. Especially ones like LSD. That's strong stuff."

"Please," Becky begged with desperation. "You're the last chance I have. I don't know anyone else."

Zig took a deep breath. "Look, I want to, but I'm really not in that business anymore."

"Can you hook me up with someone who can get it for me?" she asked, attempting to retain her composure as she worked through her fear of a drug deal with a stranger.

"That's dangerous," Zig sighed with reluctant acceptance. "Look, how much money do you have?"

"200," Becky replied instantly.

"How much do you want?"

Becky looked at him in confusion. "One? Just one?"

"You're new to this," Zig said with a sad laugh.

"You can take advantage of me if you want, the 200 is yours," Becky said handing it over.

"No, no," Zig said as he eyed the money hungrily. "I won't take advantage of you. Tell you what. 100 bucks and I'll get you enough for one good trip. 100 is a little more than it's worth, but I'm taking a huge risk for you. Plus, I need money to take Maya out for dinner."

Becky nodded in agreement. "That's fair. It's a onetime thing, anyway."

Zig looked at her sadly. "I hope it is." They shared a moment of silence before he spoke again. "Meet me here tomorrow morning. I'll slip the product into your bra, and you'll slip the cash into my jacket when we embrace. It'll just look like we're hugging."

"Thanks," Becky said.

"Stay safe," Zig said, then he left Becky to be alone.

Someone who was more or less a complete stranger cared about her more than everyone else she trusted. She wasn't sure how to feel about that, but it didn't matter.

Tomorrow she was meeting God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story spawned from my desire to write something about Becky (and Hunter/Becky in particular) and the idea finally hit when I was talking with AmethystBeloved and read her review of the season 14 music video where she thought Becky was on LSD as she danced around in the forest surrounded by bright lights.
> 
> I also wanted to explore Becky's relationship with God after reading "Just One Voice" by ff.n user Aren'tYouSophiaLoren-8887. It basically was about Becky needing to learn to listen to God in a new way.
> 
> So between the two above ideas, this story was born.


	2. And

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains light depictions of 'pre-sex'. Also contains drug use and is written in a tone to attempt to capture a high character.

V.

A giggle danced on Becky's lips as she walked throughout the halls of Degrassi that morning. She was so giddy it was ridiculous. Her breast tingled as the plastic baggie that held the tablet rubbed against her with friction that was only of minor discomfort. Thoughts of taking the drugs after school today kept her going and she felt better than she had since she broke up with Drew. Their time together yesterday had been nice, but it ended up meaning nothing. Drew didn't support her in getting these drugs. A stranger did. How could he claim to care about her when he didn't want to help her meet God?

It was lunch time now, and when she arrived at her normal table Jonah wasn't there. She froze in place when she saw. He was always there before her. Was he still mad at her? She thought about going to see what Imogen was up to, but she was likely making googly eyes with Jack. A part of her wanted to take her lunch to the student council office to be there with Drew, but she knew he would ask too many questions. She was alone now. The void in her gut returned. Thoughts of seeing God today had propelled her through the night and this morning, but now here she was. Alone. Always alone.

She forked the food into her mouth in a hurry and left in a rush to the bathroom. Now she was looking into the mirrors and to any passerby she would look normal. To her, she looked all sorts of wrong. Blonde hair, soft face. She was beautiful by most people's standards. But everything felt wrong. Her eyes looked empty, her clothes looked too small and she wanted to crawl out of the bright yellow that tried but failed to consume her. She fingered at her breast and heard the rustling of the bag there.

Looking around to make sure she was alone, she pulled out the bag. The bag held a pill. It was small, so incredibly small, compared to what what she expected. How was the key to her reconciling with God in a little tablet barely the size of her pinkie nail?

It was scary, she acknowledged, as she opened the bag. She had been told as long as she could remember that drugs were bad. That she couldn't try them - not even once. Hugs not drugs! But she had been told many lies by her parents. Why wouldn't this be one?

She tossed it in her mouth before she could think of all the reasons not to. She looked into the mirror. No changes, not that she expected any in seconds. She smiled at herself. She did it. She had taken control of her life. She was going to be with God again!

She tossed the empty bag into the trash next to the sink and buried it under some paper towels to hide the evidence. She ignored the fact that there was no real evidence to hide, but paranoia got the best of her. She put a smile on her face as she stepped out into the hallway to her next class. Soon she would have all the answers.

VI.

The first thirty minutes felt like nothing, and she was disappointed as she feigned interest in the History lecture. If only History taught about God it would be a bit more interesting. There had to be other people in history who doubted God. If God existed, he loved you. If God loved you, he existed. Wasn't it all one in the same? How did no one have proof of something so simple yet? She missed her faith, because before, she never needed proof.

The thirty minute mark felt like nothing. She was starting to think that Zig had betrayed her, but something told her that he wasn't the type. Her doubts returned as nausea hit her. Had he poisoned her? Why would a drug that was supposed to help her see God make her feel sick? She took a deep breath and held in the pain. Class would be over in 15 minutes. The words of the history lesson became jargon that she couldn't care less for in that time. Then there was a loud ringing in her head and she looked around wildly for the source as blurry objects moved around her. Her breathing quickened as she couldn't figure out what it was.

After what felt like hours something nudged her shoulder and she heard shapes in her ears. She blinked as she tried to process them. "What?" she heard herself ask no one in particular. She shook her head, and for a moment everything made sense.

"Are you okay?" a voice asked. Her eyes focused on a tall guy with black hair. A random classmate she knew, but that was all he was to her.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Did the bell ring?" Becky asked.

"Yeah..." the guy trailed off. "A while ago. You should go get checked out, you're like so out of it right now."

She nodded absently when she stood, and had to put her hands on her desk to catch herself as things spun around her. Maybe these were the drugs. She wasn't sure.

Becky shambled aimlessly through the halls of Degrassi, everyone ignoring her as they always did. The only thing unusual was all the new things she felt. They were all so loud and their words made her nose crinkle in disgust. Her vision was blurry, but she knew well where she was going. The music room. Jonah would be there and she really wanted to see him. The drugs were working, maybe, and she wanted to show him that she was alright. Maybe he could help her find God? Where was God anyway? Wasn't he supposed to show up by now?

Her shambling continued and she felt like she had been traveling for hours. She entered the music room to find it empty. Not surprising as Jonah had booked it for the last three class periods plus two hours after school so that they could get in as much practice as possible. She picked up the microphone and started to sing. And sing. And sing. It felt so good to be able to express herself for once. She poured out all of her inner thoughts as she ignored the world of dancing lights around her.

She was interrupted by some rude sound that she eventually realized was Jonah. Finally, she had been looking for him! "Jonah!" she cried as she rushed into his arms. "I've been looking like all over for you!"

Jonah was tense in her arms and then he carefully moved her off of him. "Becky, Becky!" he shouted to get her attention.

"I'm right here," Becky mumbled. "What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" Jonah hollered. "How about what's wrong with you? Are you high? I told you not to. I recognize the acid trip. You were just singing nonsense. How did you even get LSD?"

Becky could only giggle in response.

"How long ago did you take it?" Jonah intoned.

"I don't know," Becky wondered. "I felt like it's been a few days."

"Becky, I saw you yesterday. You were asking me about it yesterday. Think, just think for a moment, and tell me when you took them."

"I remember... lunch I think? Yeah, definitely after lunch. Feels like forever ago. I'm not sure if they're working yet, all I've felt is a stomach ache."

Jonah frowned. "They're definitely working, Becky. That was about 3 hours ago. You're in the peak period. Things are only going to get worse from here."

"Worse?" Becky asked. "I feel great. When am I going to see God, Jonah?"

He sighed. "You might not Becky, not everyone does." Then he cried out in pain as Becky kicked him in the shin.

"You lied to me?" she yelled at him.

"No, no," Jonah claimed. "I told you I saw God. I never said you would. You probably won't. I warned you Becky. You shouldn't take this stuff. It's bad for you. Dammit, I have personal experience with this drug and told you not to. Why!?"

"You think I'm insane," Becky cried. "I'm not. I want to see God. You don't understand what it's like to have your family hate you. To have God hate you. Everyone is out to make me miserable, even you! I bet you didn't even see God. What's the real reason you're 'straight-edge' Jonah? Did you get some girl pregnant and leave her. Claim abstinence to get out of the blame? At least Drew was good enough to take care of his baby. You're just a coward Jonah."

Jonah just looked at her. "Goodbye, Becky," he said, then he turned around.

Again, Becky was all alone.

VII.

Her words to Jonah reminded her of Drew. He wouldn't be happy that she had taken the drug, but she would show him that she was perfectly fine. Jonah had lied to her. These drugs wouldn't help her find God. Maybe, just maybe, Drew could help her. He had mentioned yesterday that an orgasm could help her find God. She wouldn't know; she had never had sex, but orgasms being a Godly experience was not an idea she had never heard of before.

It was the best bet she had, and the only thing on her mind as she made her way to the Student Council Offices. Where else would Drew be? He practically lived there. Thinking about sex was mostly new to her. She had had the barest of sexual attraction before as she was certain that she liked guys, but she didn't think much past that. She loved his strong muscles and the way he wrapped his arms around her when they were alone. Arousal wasn't lost on her when they went swimming together as she watched him show off for her in the water; more than once she had wanted to run her hands down his chest and feel the little tuft of hair around his belly button.

She shivered at the memory. She wasn't sure whether it was the drugs or her lack of faith but she felt more aroused than she ever had in her life. A part of her wondered if this is what she sometimes overheard her brother and his hockey buddies lewdly talk about. Horny. An overpowering sexual arousal that left her with the inevitability of needing sex.

She wanted Drew more now than she ever had before, and her face broke into a grin as she entered the Student Council offices to see him. Her eyes fixated on him and the whole world disappeared around her.

"Drew!" she shouted with excitement. "I've been looking all over for you."

Drew looked at her with an odd twist in his brow. "Are you okay, Becky? You're being really loud…" he trailed off.

"I'm better than ever," she said with a smile that was almost too wide for her face.

Drew looked to his side for a moment and appeared to mouth something before turning back to her. "Is there something I can help you with?" he asked as he stood up and approached her.

Becky threw herself at him. "I want you so badly right now, Drew. Can we do it? You said you would help me have an orgasm," she mumbled into his chest as she pushed and fought to become one with him.

Drew blushed wildly as his head turned around mouthing at ghost around the room who were cackling. His breathing was labored as he peeled her off of him and put her at arms lengths. "Becky… are you high?"

"Oh, you can tell? I barely feel anything?" Becky replied with a giggle.

"Becky, I told you…" he paused as he turned a nervous eye to the ghosts. "I told you _it_ was dangerous. Why did you take it?"

"I wanted to find God," she stated as if it were the most obvious thing. "Can you help me," she asked as her hands started to play with his belt.

"Whoa, Becky stop!" Drew demanded as he held her at arm's length with his left arm and swatted her hand away from his belt with the other.

"Please," Becky cried. "I need someone to help me, Drew."

Drew looked around the room nervously before responding. "Yes, I'll help you Becky. Go wait next door in the media immersion lab and I'll drive you home."

Becky laughed nervously but it came out as almost maniacal. "Can we go to your place? My parents would never let us get away with it at mine."

Drew took a deep breath before speaking. "We aren't having sex, Becky. You need help. The only reason I don't call an ambulance for you is because it would ruin you to be caught on _this drug_ at school."

"How dare you?" Becky shouted.

"Calm down, calm down," Drew murmured as he put his hands on her shoulders to restrain her. "Please, Becky. Just go wait in the computer lab."

"I'm fine, Drew. Stop worrying. Please, just have sex with me. I've never wanted anything so badly before," she paused for a minute as her hands returned to his belt only to be swatted away. "Come on, Drew. We're all alone here…"

And the ghost rumbled with laughter. Since when did ghost sit around and laugh at people? Were they that bored? She always thought that dying would bring you to heaven. Were these ghost the people who didn't go to heaven? Suddenly she didn't want to die. It must be awful to be so bored in the afterlife that you sat around and laughed at people.

When she returned to reality Drew was backing away from her slowly as he held her at arm's length. "Becky, please go to the computer lab. You're not well."

"I'm fine," Becky insisted.

"Becky, you still haven't realized that you are in the middle of a Student Council session. People are watching you…" Drew stated slowly. "You're not okay. Please, go wait for me. I'll finish things up as quickly as I can and then I'll let Clare take over. 15 minutes tops. Please, Becky."

Becky looked towards the ghosts for the first time and it became apparent how life-like they were. Almost as if they were people. Student Council meeting. That made a lot more sense than ghost and she nodded emptily as she turned around to leave the room.

She vaguely heard someone whose voice reminded her of Clare telling Drew that she would take over as soon as she could. The details didn't really matter anymore. Drew had proven once in for all that he didn't want her.

VIII.

She shambled next door to the media immersion lab with disappointment in her heart. Her family didn't love her, Jonah didn't love her, and not even Drew loved her. Even God didn't; if he did, he would have showed up by now. She shambled into the computer lab and threw herself into the nearest chair and barely caught her balance.

She had just closed her eyes when a sound got her attention. "What are you doing here," a male voice hissed.

She opened her eyes and attempted to focus and after what felt like forever his face became clear. Hunter. Hunter Hollingsworth. It's been ages since they had spoken, but Hunter had been the first to ever love her after Adam. Maybe they could recreate their time in the meadow of Zor'ath. Hunter had been willing to have sex with her online. Maybe he would want to do it in real life too. He didn't like real life, but he was a guy who enjoyed sex with her; he couldn't turn it down for real.

The next thing she knew she was in front of him.

"What do you want?" he asked looking out of the corner of his eyes as he focused on Realm of Doom.

"I want to find God," was all she said.

Hunter let out a mirthless laugh. "I don't really care about your stupid religious stuff, Becky."

Becky shrugged it off. By now she couldn't care less about what someone else thought about her relationship with God. She needed to focus on making sure she had one.

"Can you help me?" she asked instead.

"With what?" Hunter asked in a tone that was almost skeptical if it held any emotion at all.

She fell into his lap and looked him in the eyes with a smile on her face. "Help me have an orgasm," she whispered in his ear in the way she had seen people do on TV.

"Wha-what…" Hunter stammered in shock as he tried to push her off of him, but not with enough force to actually show he wanted her not to touch him.

"Come on, Hunter," she chirped. "It can be just like the meadow all over again."

"I don't know," Hunter murmured, refusing eye contact.

"Am I pretty, Hunter?" she purred in his ear.

"Y-yes," he stuttered.

"Help me, please," she whispered. "I have no one else."

"You're acting strange…" Hunter trailed off but his concern ended in a hitch as Becky's hand brushed at his pants.

"Wow…" Becky stated in awe. "It's already hard. I've never touched one before." She giggled then brought her lips towards his in a kiss. Hunter exhaled a breath in a shutter and thrust upwards at her absently as he fell back into his seat as Becky ravaged his lips.

Becky had never been so into a kiss. Her lips encased his as she held his head in her hands. She was a good kisser she knew. Drew often complimented her for her technique and they had a lot of practice as they never let things proceed towards sex. But this was different. She had no limits and her body tingled with desire as Hunter moaned under her.

She straddled him as her kisses travelled down Hunter's neck and cried in pleasure as Hunter sighed warm breaths into her ear. She felt him softly pressing up against her legs, and she nibbled at his neck to keep herself from moaning at the hardness rubbing against her. Everything made more sense now; this was what it felt like to be like everyone else. Wanting sex and having it without worrying about sin.

She looked down and saw a twinkle in Hunter's ice-blue eyes as she reached down to his belt to loosen his pants. She smiled at him as she pulled his pants back to free his penis. She giggled when she saw it, never having seen one in real life before and reached down to grab it.

"Oh my god, Becky. STOP!" she heard and looked at Hunter in confusion.

"Why do you want me to stop, Hunter?" Becky asked. Hunter's head had turned to the side and his eyes darted back and forth between her and Drew in fear.

"Get off of him, Becky," Drew said again as he approached to physically pick Becky up and place her on her feet. She fell back and caught her balance on the desk behind her before sitting down on the keyboard. She giggled as her gaze bounced between Hunter and Drew.

"What the hell are you thinking, Becky?" Drew yelled.

"We were just…" Becky began but Drew interrupted her.

"Look at him! He's terrified," Drew said and she turned her gaze to Hunter who was buckling up his pants through labored breathing. "Hunter," Drew began, "I'm sorry. She's on an acid trip. Can you please keep this between us?"

Hunter nodded furiously with fear, but then his eyes showed recognition. "Y-you we-re high?" he stammered. "Just get out."

"No, it's not that bad," Becky chuckled good naturedly. "I really enjoyed…"

"Just get out!" Hunter yelled. "Get out, get out, get out!"

"Hunter…" Becky stated in confusion, before Drew took over.

"Becky, let's go. I'm driving you home," Drew ordered. "Hunter, look, I'm sorry for whatever just happened. Don't tell anyone and I'll go delete the video that cameras picked up in this room. I'll talk to you later, please just…"

"Yeah, whatever," Hunter croaked as he turned back to his game with tears beginning to stream down his face.

"Why are you two acting so weird?" Becky asked as Drew dragged her away.

IX.

"Why do you hate me, Drew?" Becky asked from the passenger seat of his car as he drove her home.

Drew sighed. "I don't hate you, Becky. I care about you a lot. That's why I have to take care of you."

"By stopping me from doing the most important thing in my life?" she cried out.

"You are high, Becky. You could die! I'm taking you home so you can sleep this off."

"No!" Becky yelled. "Don't take me home. God isn't there. Nothing is there for me."

"Becky, please. These stupid drugs are not going to help you find God. Now you need to go home to people who love you," Drew exclaimed, before slamming on the horn as a car pulled out in front of him. "If these idiots on the road don't kill us first."

"Please, no," Becky mumbled as she looked down in her lap. "Don't take me home. My family hates me, Drew."

"I'm sure that's not true," he muttered as they reached a red light.

"They hate me, Drew. It hurts so much. Please, don't take me home. Can we go to your place? You said yesterday I was welcome…"

Drew nodded as he turned the car around at the red light, happy that no one was around. "Fine, but no funny business. We are not having sex while you're high."

"Am I that awful?" Becky lamented. "No one loves me. No one even wants to have sex with me."

"It's not that, Becky. We care about you. We all do. We don't want you to anything that you'll regret," Drew assured her. "I promise you everyone loves you. If nothing else, I do."

Becky sniffled as she nodded.

Things were silent for a while before Drew spoke again. "So, how are you feeling? Like drug wise?"

"I feel fine," Becky stated.

"Like really think," Drew insisted. "I know what it's like to be high. You think you're fine, but if you start picking out little things you'll realize you're not."

"I'm fine," Becky repeated.

"You were trying to have sex with a 14 year old boy, Becky. That is not alright. That is not you. Last week you still wanted to wait until marriage and now you've nearly assaulted a 14 year old. I know Hunter, Becky. I worked with his father. He is not mature enough to handle what just happened," Drew said trying his best to keep the anger out of his voice. "I'm going to have to talk to him tomorrow to make sure you didn't fuck him up completely. What happened with Zoë earlier this year was bad, but she's older and much, much more mature than him. You could have scarred him for life. He thought you liked him and was driven to tears when he realized you only gave him the time of day because you were high."

"Oh…" Becky muttered.

They were silent for a moment. Drew counted the street lights they passed as they made their way towards his home, but everything changed as Becky screamed. It wasn't a normal scream. It was a scream of bloody murder and Drew would have covered his ears if he weren't driving.

"Becky?" he asked as he looked over to her as she was doing everything in her power to unlock the door. His eyes widened in concern as the door opened, and she tried to jump out only to be stopped by her seat belt. Drew stomped on the break hard, but not so hard as to make them jerk so Becky wouldn't go flying now that her belt was off.

She jumped out before a complete stop, and fell to the ground before beginning to roll in the grass while laughing maniacally.

"Becky! Becky!" Drew yelled as he came around the car. "Are you okay!?" he cried as he felt her for injury, though her rolling around on the ground made her difficult to hold still. "Why did you jump out of the car?"

"Didn't you see?" Becky giggled. "That truck was heading right at us! God saved us, Drew! God saved us!"

She continued laugh-crying and Drew hugged her. "It's going to be alright, Becky, it's going to be alright."

For the first time in a long time, she felt like it just might be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope I had some passable degree of writing a acid triped-up Becky. The tone at times is a bit jumpy and Becky is all over the place mentally, so I hope I wrote it all correctly.
> 
> I'd suggest rereading this chapter as it was from Becky's POV and she often misread people actions. For example, as you were reading it you likely read Hunter as being fairly into it, but later on you realize that he wasn't as much as Becky thought he was. It's interesting to see how heavily she misinterprets things.
> 
> I really would like to explore Becky/Hunter (Bunter imo, but also Bakersworth), but this is all that I could really do for the sake of this fic. It gets another mention next chapter.
> 
> Next and final chapter on Wednesday :D


	3. Found

X.

_It was cold and there was fog swirling everywhere. Occasionally she would get hit by a rain drop, but it was a big rain drop. It engulfed her and it felt like drowning, but in the good way. Is was icy and soothing and she just wanted to be a part of it forever._

_But that didn't happen and she was forced to roam the forest alone. It was a forest now; it wasn't before. The fog had receded a bit and she could see trees sticking out of the ground. There were bodies everywhere too._

_She recognized them all. Her father and her mother. Her brother hanging mangled from a tree. There was Jonah and Imogen and Hunter. And then there was Drew alive and well standing behind a tree before disappearing._

_She ran and she ran but she couldn't keep up. She was in the darkness now surrounded by fog. She couldn't see if there was a tree right in front of her but she couldn't care. She had to find Drew._

_And then she was flying through the air into nothingness but she wasn't afraid because Drew would save her. She fell for what felt like forever and then she was engulfed in water as she floated through the ocean. She closed her eyes and awoke to be standing in the forest again._

_The fog had gone away and in its place there were lights. She twirled and she twirled as the rainbow orbs surrounded her. She knew everything would be okay._

_XI._

She awoke to a world of pain. Not a harsh pain, but an ever-present, dull pain that seeped into every fiber of her being. She tried to cough but couldn't muster the energy. She raised herself to a sitting position using arms that could barely hold her weight.

She nearly jumped as she heard a voice. "Good, you're awake." She took a moment to calm her beating heart as she tried to recognize its owner.

"Dr-drew?" she croaked in a voice hardened by a parched throat.

"Shh, shh," Drew tried to calm her as he approached her bed with a glass of water. "Don't speak, you're dehydrated. I tried to give you water while you were sleeping, but it was difficult. LSD really dehydrates you… I uh... did some research after I got you home to make sure I didn't need to bring you to a hospital."

Becky took the water while nodding slowly. "What happened?" she muttered as she tried to shake the pain from her mind. "My head hurts."

Drew laughed softly. "A lot happened. But don't worry, I'll help you through it. All of it… except the head ache. Can't do much about that. I don't want to risk ibuprofen after acid."

Becky took a moment to shudder as she took a sip of water and tried to relax. "Where am I?" she asked, observing her environment.

"My room," Drew said as he put a hand on her shoulder and smiled. "After all you went through yesterday, and you managed to get into my bed after all."

Becky flushed wildly at the implications of the joke. "Did all that really happen? Hunter?" she asked meekly.

"Unfortunately," Drew said slowly before perking up. "Are you hungry? I don't think you've eaten since before you… uh, took it. Oh, and drink all the water. You need to rehydrate badly."

"Okay," she agreed as she downed the glass.

"Good," Drew said with a grin. "Do you want breakfast in bed or to come downstairs with me?"

"I'll come with. I want to be able to do something right…" Becky said, and then yelped as Drew picked her up. "Put me down," she giggled.

Drew laughed in return. "You had a rough day, let me treat you like a princess."

Becky nodded and agreed to enjoy the ride as much as she could besides the butterflies in her head. She blushed as she recalled her feelings from yesterday while Drew's arms were around her. She closed her eyes in shame at the memory of reaching for his belt, and took a deep breath to enjoy his scent; it wasn't good nor bad, but it was comforting. She couldn't remember the last time that she felt so safe. It was almost like love, but in a way that was different from the types that she had been seeking yesterday.

"You awake?" she heard Drew whisper into her ear. "I think you fell asleep for a moment there."

"I don't think so?" she mumbled, but they were in the kitchen now with no recollection of them going downstairs. She recalled from her time with Adam that the bedrooms were on the 2nd floor, so they must have gone down them at some point. She tried to shake the cobwebs from her mind but failed yet again. It was a dull throb that just wouldn't go away.

"Don't worry, you're cute when you sleep," he said with a blush, and then let her down as Becky wiggled to be let go.

He grinned as Becky found her footing and then asked the most important question of the day. "Pancakes or waffles?"

She thought for a moment, but knew the answer immediately. For as long as she knew she had always been a fan of waffles. They were so bland and organized into nice little compartments to get the perfect amount of butter and syrup – and maybe, just maybe, ice cream and whip cream if she was feeling like something new. Her answer was clear.

"Pancakes," she said in the strongest voice she had managed all morning. What was the point of a waffle? Nothing was so organized. Every pancake was unique and chaotic in its own way just like people and each individual day. Imogen would be proud; it was she who had made this argument a few months back.

She smiled as Drew turned on the stove and plopped a skillet on it before reaching above to a cabinet to grab some version of Bisquick. "You can cook?" she joked.

Drew laughed. "Very funny, but even I can make pancakes," he said retrieving milk and eggs from the fridge. "Can you grab me a big bowl from that cabinet down there?" he asked her as he pointed under the sink. He pulled out a measuring cup from the drawer and measured a cup of milk before pouring it into the bowl.

"Who would have thought Drew Torres could cook?" Becky managed to joke as he cracked two eggs perfectly into the bowl.

"Hey, I have been making cereal since I was 4," Drew quipped as he measured two cups of Bisquick into the bowl and stirred it with a whisk he retrieved from the assortment of tools in a vase on the counter. "You don't think Audra Torres would let her sons not know how to do the basics, do you?"

"Probably not," she agreed with a wistful sigh at the memory of Adam. She thought for a moment before adding. "I'd be lying if I said I don't think about him every day."

Drew finished mixing the batter and poured a portion of it into the now-hot pan. He didn't have to ask who. "I know," was all he said as he went to retrieve a spatula.

"I feel…" Becky began then stopped to collect her thoughts. "I betrayed him," she said sadly.

Silence stood between them for a second before Drew spoke. "No, you didn't. It's okay to want to have sex with people after Adam, Becky. What you did yesterday was not betrayal. You were hurting and trying to figure out how to be happy. Adam would never hold that against you." He paused before saying his next thought. "If there was any betrayal, it was our dating each other."

Becky sniffed. "I don't think that's true."

Drew flipped the first pancake, and they shared a proud grin at how perfectly golden it was. There was more silence as they heard the fresh crackling of the uncooked side meeting the hot metal.

"I…" Drew began, then paused. "We did what we thought was best. What felt right? Can we really be asked to do anything more than that?"

"Is doing what's right really for the best if everyone hates us for it?" Becky asked.

"No one hates you, Becky. And even if they did, I would always love you," Drew promised as he flipped the first pancake onto a plate and handed it to Becky. "Let me put you first this time," he stated with a wink.

She nodded gratefully as she took the plate and went to retrieve a fork and knife from where she knew they were. This home had been their safe place when she and Adam dated. For a time, it felt like her second home. She was grateful now more than ever that she had Drew as a friend.

"Look, I'm sorry," she said as she turned around to see Drew's face lit by a smile as he had syrup and butter ready for her.

"Sorry for what?" he asked as he placed the butter on the counter and popped open the syrup with that grin of his that was too enthusiastic but oh-so cute.

"For treating you so badly. You did the right thing, I should have seen that."

"It's in the past," Drew said, turning around to flip his own pancake.

"No. It had to hurt having someone be mad at you for doing the thing you felt was right in your heart. It kills me every second of the day that my family hates me for what I did. To think that I could put you through that…"

"You're forgiven," Drew insisted. "Now enjoy your pancake. And then you need a shower! Clare brought over some spare clothes for you to wear since we didn't want your parents to hear about this." Drew paused as horror crossed his face. "And you parents have no idea where you are…"

"It's fine," Becky acknowledged with a tinge of sadness. "Check my phone. I doubt they even noticed." She shrugged Drew's supportive hand off. "Don't. I knew they wouldn't." There was another pause before she continued. "Tell Clare 'thank you'. The two of you are good friends to be able to talk after everything that happened. I'm almost jealous."

"Don't be," Drew said as he flipped his own pancake onto a plate and applied butter and syrup to it. "You and I are just as good friends if not better."

Becky blinked back tears. "Maybe I should have always known, but thank you."

XII.

The shower felt amazing. She hadn't realized how off she felt until the water hit her skin. She was reminded of the raindrops from her dreams and how great it felt, and opened her parched mouth to let the water flow in. It was a surreal experience being in someone else's shower – a guy's no less. Being a sheltered girl she only ever knew her own spaces. Drew had much fewer hygiene products in his shower than she did and he kept them near the back on a ledge rather than neatly in a basket attached to the shower head. It was a minor thing, but to Becky it was a whole new world.

She stepped out of the shower expecting the frigid air of her own home only to be met with warmth. Another minor difference, but certainly noticeable. Small choices could change your life. A small little pill could bring about great change.

She grabbed the towel Drew left her, and patted down some of the dampness off her body before wiping the humidity from the mirror and getting a good look at herself. Despite the tired eyes, she was still Becky.

But everything was different now. Taking a small little pill had shown her something new. There was no shortcut to finding God's love. There was no shortcut to finding love at all. The answer wasn't truly what mattered. She was lost and tired.

She was tired, but she had to go on. She did her best to shake the dull ache from her head as she dried off as well as she could in the humid room, and threw on the blue dress of Clare's that Drew had given her in case she wanted to switch out of her old clothes. It was a little big for her, but was loose and comforting around her like a blanket.

"Feeling better," she heard Drew ask from the doorway of his room as she stepped into the hall. She nodded without commitment and entered his room to throw herself on his bed, sheets still thrown to the side and the slightest of indentations from where she slept still present.

"Feeling tired still?" Drew asked with a chuckle.

Becky could only sigh into the sheets. She stretched out on the bed and inhaled before speaking; she was shocked how safe she felt in the bed and she was reminded of all the times Drew had been there for her as the scent of him hit her nose. She exhaled that breath and turned her head to look at Drew. "Where did you sleep last night?" she asked. It didn't seem fair that she had taken his bed.

"On the futon over there," Drew said as he pointed to the futon with a fuzzled blanket and pillow on it. "Don't worry about it, it's more comfortable than it looks." They shared a smile as Drew crossed the room to sit down on the bed next to her. "I figured we can skip school today. It's just a Thursday. We'll live."

Becky nodded, though she didn't really care. She was tired. She just wanted to sleep and forget everything.

"You can go back to sleep if you want," Drew suggested. After a moment of no disagreement from Becky, Drew picked up the discarded sheets and blankets, and tucked her in. "I'm going to take a shower and then make some calls. Sleep as much as you want." Drew left the room and closed the door ever so quietly, and then Becky was out like a light.

Or maybe she wasn't. It was hard to tell. The time between Drew leaving the room and her eyes popping open felt like a moment, but the sunlight now streaming in through the window where once there was only darkness said otherwise. Her whole body shivered as she lifted the blankets off of her and stood to hesitant feet. She felt better now; well, at least she felt more rested and no longer carried the most splitting headache she could imagine. Her heart of hearts still felt wrong. She was wrong and there was nothing she could do about it now.

Her eyes darted around the room for Drew, but he was nowhere to be found. She sighed as she strode like a zombie to the door and then hesitantly down the stairs holding the handrail the entire way down. She was more awake now and she was cognizant of her memories here with Adam. Drew would likely be in the basement which was another floor below and she shambled to the wooden staircase that lead down. As she expected, Drew was on the couch with paperwork spread all over the coffee table.

Drew turned to her as he heard the creaking of the wooden steps. "Oh good, you're up," he said cheerfully as he nearly sprinted to her to help her down the last few steps. She muttered a numb thanks as he guided her to the couch and he retook his seat with her beside him.

Paper. So much paper. "What is all of this?" she asked, shaking her head as her eyes struggled to capture all the strewn leaflets.

"Mostly Student Council stuff and some homework. Clare and I are supposed to be planning some prom stuff today to get approved by Alli, but it will have to wait until she is out of school," Drew explained.

"I see," Becky acknowledged and she was silent before speaking again. "But how do you do it? How do you forgive her after everything she did to you?"

Drew sighed as he looked down at his hands before speaking in a distressed tone. "It's not easy. But I know she meant no harm. What benefit would it be to either of us to fight? I'll admit, I'm not happy with her, but I could never hate her. I care about her."

Those words hit Becky hard, and she said the first thing that came to mind. "I... I can't forgive him. For what he did to her. For what he did to me. I can't forgive them," Becky said shakily and she turned away from Drew to hide her tears.

"And you don't have to, Becky. You don't have to," Drew intoned as he gently turned her to face him. "There's a difference between the two. Clare meant no harm. It was an honest, stupid mistake. How can I of all people hold it against her? We all do it. We get past it. Even the perfect Becky Baker made a mistake yesterday. But I could never hold that against you. No one who matters would," Drew smiled at her, and she couldn't keep one off her own face. As far as contagions go, smiles were not the worst.

"And how is my brother different?" Becky asked.

"Because what he did wasn't a mistake. He chose to hurt someone, and didn't even have the decency to feel bad about it. His not knowing that what he did was illegal does not mean he didn't know he was hurting someone. What he did was bad, he knew it, and you have no obligations to forgive him," Drew declared.

Becky felt her eyes searching his and she blinked back the tears that threatened to fall.

"And your family... they chose to hurt you for doing what is right. They hurt you as some way to support your brother for what he did. They're no better. Their religious beliefs don't matter. They chose to hurt. They chose..." he trailed off. "I like to think neither of us has purposefully hurt another person. We've made our mistakes. I have too many to name. You have the LSD, Hunter and the way you treated Adam early in your relationship. But..."

"We have to forgive others, Drew," Becky cried. "It is the only way that God will forgive us for ours. Matthew 6:14 states 'For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.' "

Drew grinned in response. "Well First John 1:9 states that 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.' "

Becky mouth dropped as she looked at him in awe. That line. It was perfect. But also, how the hell did Drew know it?

"It means that you must forgive yourself, and then God will forgive you. It's all the really matters," Drew explained. "I had to do an assignment back in Sunday school with that line. It really stuck with me."

"I'm not sure that's what I need..." Becky sounded unsure of herself.

"But it is," Drew insisted. "Don't you see, Becky? That's like the only line of the Bible I know off the top of my head. I probably would not even have remembered it yesterday. That proves it. God wanted you to hear that line. He chose me to protect you."

Becky scrunched her nose and wiped tears from her eyes as she thought what to say next. "And what if I don't believe in God anymore?" she challenged.

"Then don't," Drew said. "I'm not so sure I do, but it doesn't matter. You need to forgive yourself Becky. I don't know a kinder person than you; you would never want someone to be hurt. That's how it all began, wasn't it? You saw how much Adam and all the people from Romeo and Jules loved what they were doing, and you wanted them to be happy. You're a good person, Becky. You just need to realize it."

Becky exhaled a breath that she didn't realize that she had been holding before standing up. "I need some fresh air," she muttered before heading out through the glass sliding doors of the basement. She knew Drew followed her without even having to look. He always did.

She inhaled deeply as she spun around in the crisp morning air. It was soothing. Her chest opened, her fingers tingled and she felt free. Was she really a good person?

"Of course you are," Drew said sweetly as he put a gentle hand on her to stop her spinning. She stopped and looked into his eyes. She hadn't even realized she had asked that question out loud.

"How can I be a good person? My family hates me, Drew. And I can't forgive them for it. How can I be a good person?" she nearly cried out.

"I think you're a good person," Drew promised. "And... and Adam did too, otherwise he would not have fallen for you so hard."

Becky felt the breath hitch in her lungs at his words. She exhaled a few shuddering breaths and then collapsed in Drew's arms. "Adam was such a good person," she mumbled into his chest.

"The best," Drew agreed. They stayed in the embrace for a while, enjoying one another's warmth in the chilly morning air. Becky felt different in Drew's arms. Usually she felt so lost, but in his arms she felt safe.

"Let's sit," Drew suggested as he indicating towards the porch swing. They didn't break their embrace as Drew led them to the swing and Becky sat next to Drew, propping herself against him as they got comfortable. They sat like that for a while, comfortable despite the chill due to their mutual warmth, and listened to the every breath of one another as they thought about life.

After some time, Drew broke the silence. "You're a good person, Becky. No, shhh, let me," he said as she began a retort. "Do you want to know when I feel in love with you? It was after the trial when I was watching a movie. You saved Zoe: her life, her reputation, her faith in the world around her. You may have saved her in every way that matters... but I knew I could never do that. I could never sacrifice my brother in court even if I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do." He paused to smile at her which only grew bigger as she turned her head to hide her blush, and he stroked a strand of blonde her from her eyes. "But, anyway, for the moment where I feel in love with you," he teased as he waited for Becky to face him.

"You're going to laugh, but have you seen Harry Potter?" Drew asked.

Becky's face twisted in confusion. "What? Ummm... yes. I'm not that sheltered, Drew," she said through a chuckle.

Drew's face split in a grin. "I love to see you laugh. But, anyway, remember how in the Goblet of Fire, Dumbledore tells Harry that there is a time where we must choose between doing what is right and doing what is easy? You did what was right. You made the hard choice. A choice I could never make. You are such a good person and it's just one of the many reasons I love you." He paused to take a slow, deep breath before exhaling it. "Becky Baker, you're an angel who inspires me to be better every day."

Becky barely felt the burning liquid running down her face as she absorbed everything that Drew said. And she shuddered with a pleasant feeling she couldn't describe as Drew's thumb wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"I've done many awful things in my life, Becky. But you make me feel like I can do some real good - so, tell me, how can you not be a good person? Changing someone for the better is one of the best things that you can do," Drew said as emotion clouded his voice and he fought tears of his own.

Becky sniffed to clear her nose, and she wiped the tears away that Drew had missed. "Okay, Drew. I believe you. You are such a good person... and if I helped make you one, I suppose a part of me must be good too."

"Every part of you," Drew promised. They were silent for a moment. "So, can you forgive yourself?"

"Yes," Becky stated, more confident than she had been in months. "I did what was right. I did nothing wrong. And I'll try to... forgive my parents. But it's on them now."

"And God?" Drew asked.

"You've done more to help me than God has..." Becky said slowly. "But, maybe, he is acting through you. God works in mysterious ways and all. But, Drew, we've forgiven ourselves. What more can he ask?"

Drew nodded. "Some say it's not the belief that matters, but the journey to get there."

Becky chuckled with a cock of her brow. "Deep words from Drew Torres."

"Only for you," he declared. "You've made me a better person."

Becky smiled. "And you helped me find what I've been looking for."

"And what is that?" Drew questioned.

"Love. Forgiveness. It's all the same really. You taught me how to forgive myself; you taught me how to love and be loved," she said, then turned to him with a smile. "And maybe just love of a different sort."

"Every sort," Drew returned with a grin.

And that's when Becky knew that she had found what she had been missing. Unconditional love. Maybe it was from Drew. Maybe it was from God. Maybe it just didn't matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I was trying to convey Becky as extremely tired this whole chapter through tone, so I hope I captured that in some way. A side effect of LSD is being extremely tired for a while. Typically a 12 hour high, and then being tired until you sleep and maybe a bit afterward. Plus severe dehydration, based off my research. Hopefully I did everything more or less right!
> 
> I never shipped Drecky, but this story made me more or less. It seemed so natural for them to flow into this. A shame really, because I ship Becky/Hunter a lot.
> 
> I'm so happy to have this opportunity to explore Drew after the Clare thing. We saw so little of him in 14B that wasn't him whining about Bonah. In Finally, we saw how he had grown as a person, so I'm showing that here in more meaningful way than helping with a prom.


End file.
